


(Edd)xtraction

by Painful_Panda



Category: Eddsworld - All Media Types
Genre: Dead Space Crossover, Gen, Just the Extraction part of the series, Suffer from my horrible fanfiction, This Is STUPID
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-19
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2018-12-31 15:19:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 13
Words: 5,488
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12135294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Painful_Panda/pseuds/Painful_Panda
Summary: You're Thomas McNeill.And you're stuck with three losers on an infected spaceship killing mutated human-alien things, suffering from hallucinations, and forced to fuck a giant space rock.Why did you even sign up for this job?





	1. Chapter 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Note: Sorry, no smut.
> 
> And nothing kinky at all. This is full-blown just an Escape-or-Die situation.

All of this work for a shitty space rock?

 

You get up from your desk, clicking off the case that you were working on.

 

Apparently, some of the miners are suffering hallucinations. You hear that it’s getting worse, some killed themselves and even killed their other crewmates. Had to put down a miner last week.

 

“Tom McNeill,” A familiar voice called out, “I didn’t think I’d live to see you again!”

 

“Matt Weller,” You turned around to face your old friend, “Where the hell have you been?”

 

“Well, I’m now serving on the Ishimura! Just got here, actually.”

 

“Ah. Great seeing you again and all, but know you’re not just here to greet me.”

 

“You know me too well, McNeill,” Matt grinned, “I’ve been assigned to run some errands, and I’m ordered with two bodies of backup. You’re one of them.”

 

You sigh, “Errands?”

 

“Yeah, we’ve got to check out what all the commotion is about. Jon and the others might- Rats, Jon where are-”

 

“Sorry sir!” A short (Who you’ll assume is Jon) shy man apologized, hiding behind two other men.

 

“Ugh. Welp, meet the two best engineers, Eduardo Baines, Mark Hutchins… and my rookie.”

 

“Pleasure to meet you.” The brunette said, holding his hand out. Confused at first, you shake it nonetheless.

 

The tallest, blonde one simply waved.

 

“Heheh, this one’s a silent one,” Matt pointed out, “Jon, aren’t you going to greet yourself?”

 

Jon slowly walked up to you. “U-Uhh, It’s an honor to meet you! Weller speaks highly of you.”

 

“Hah, don’t let any of his macho tales get to you.”

 

“Let’s get going, shall we?”

 

“Yeah alright, gotta go report this pistol somewhere, anyways. It was Caldwell's.”

 

“Ringo? Ringo Caldwell?”

 

“Yeah.”

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things are getting weird.

Matt pressed four fingers on the elevator guider, sliding them down to make the elevator go down. 

 

Jon fiddled around with his pistol, gasping loudly when he drops it.

 

“Dammit, stop playing and get in position!”

 

The elevators stop and open. 

 

“It’s dark in here.”

 

“Y- Oh wait, I think I have a glow worm.” You take a small, worm-like glow shaker, and shake it harshly. A bright green glow emits from it.

 

The large morgue was devoid of all people, aside you three. Things been flipped, smelly blood smudged everywhere… It looked like a tornado hit it.

 

“You sure this is the right morgue?” You asked, getting a small shrug from your partner.

 

“It’s the only one we have.”

 

You and the other two started slowly walking around exploring the room, picking up a few packs of ammo and health packs scattered around.

 

Jon saw a slip of paper, he jumped up and snatched it from the high self. “Hey guys… I think I found something.”

 

You and Matt walk up to the short man.

 

“I can’t read this, the handwriting is pretty bad… Oh wait, but I can read a few words!”

 

“What is it?”

 

“Pardon the mess… Poppy Valentine.”

 

“Ring any bells, McNeill?”

 

You snarl, sharp teeth clenched together, “That’s the bitch that lead the mass suicide.” You slowly turn away and use your kinesis to drag big items out of the way, “I’ll go look her up.”

 

Matt picked up an audio log and listened to it while you worked.

 

You search for anything on her. Nothing much pops up. 

 

“She’s on file, but there’s no record of a transfer. She should be right here.” You scroll through the records.

 

“You! What are you doing here?! Get out!” A deranged-looking doctor screamed, forcing you to exit the page you were on. He stumbled onto one of the corpse beds.

 

“Doc?” Jon whimpered.

 

Doc snarled.

 

“Holy shit, he’s lost it! Help!”

 

The doctor got up and growled, foaming at the mouth. He limps up to you.

 

Jon pulled up his pistol, “D-Don’t worry! We’ve got your back!” He shoots his arm off, while you aimed for the doc’s head. Doc hit the ground with a loud thud, his RIG tracker completely shut off, signaling death.

 

Matt walked a bit closer, stepping on the dead man’s back, “He’s down. What do you reckon? He stashed the bodies somewhere?”

 

“Maybe,” You respond, using you kinesis to pick up more scattered ammo, “Let’s go check.”


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Why does everything smell like shit?

You attempt to get in the elevator, but no matter how much you slide your hands of the screen, the doors don’t open.

 

“Great. No lights, no elevators, no bodies, and a colony full of crazy people!” Matt whined, crossing his arms.

 

Jon jumped when he heard a loud roll of a glass object, “S-Sir, what’s going on?”

 

“Keep it together, Private,” Matt reassured him, “Aww shucks, I left my walkie talkie on your desk!”

 

You look around, “We can get up through the Medical Hall instead! Let’s go.”

* * *

 

Jon slumped relying on you for support. He looks sick.

 

“Alright you guys, we have no idea what might be on the other side, but if I die and you all survive… Don’t touch my Smirnoff.”

 

“As if I wanted to touch that shit anyways.” 

 

“Just in case!” You unlocked a door, and you already regret doing that.

 

“SHADDUP, I’M TRYING TO THINK!” Oh no, hostages. Today’s you’re LUCKY fucking day.

 

“Bing! What’s going on here?”

 

“Stay outta this, cop! It’s none of your business!”

 

Can’t believe you have to pull this card. The asskissing card. Yeah. Nice name for a card.

 

“Just tell me what’s the problem. You don’t want to hurt anyone do you?”

 

“No! Y-You’re trying to TRICK me! I can feel my head’s gonna burst!” He’s grabbing at a blond’s hair, shaking him intensely.

 

You look at Matt, then back at Bing.

 

“I’ll get one of the docs to look at it, okay? Just walk to me, nice and easy…”

 

He obeyed at first, walking to you slowly… But when he got in arms length…

 

“No! Get out of my head!” He hits you across the face with his weapon, faintly hearing Matt whisper “bitch slap” in the weirdest accent you’ve ever heard.

 

Oh, Bing’s after your ass. Screw that, you’re not gay. Not for him, anyway.

 

With an angry kick he’s down on the ground, you shot him in the chest.

 

Matt just watched, keeping Jon close. You just glare at them, lazy fucks.

 

“Jesus, thanks for the fucking help,” You hiss, “Weller! Go ahead to P-Sec. Head through the lobby, then turn off the plaza. I’ll stay here with the the hostages.”

 

“Do you want me to stay and help, sir?” Jon asks.

 

“Nah.”

 

“Come on, rookie. See you back at your office, McNeill.”

 

Once they left, you heard loud growling behind you.

 

For fucks sake you can’t get a goddamn break.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe Jon is fucking dead.

You wipe the foul smelling blood off of your face, and step out to the hall.

 

Noise. Great. Someone’s here.

 

“If anyone’s out there, come out! Identify yourself, I don’t have all day.”

 

Doctors run down. How great. You shoot with the best accuracy a drunk man can have. Which is kind of bad. Thank god you have a gun that gives you endless ammo. It’s weak, but that doesn’t matter.

 

You walk further, but stop after realizing a reading log on the ground. There’s nothing on it-

 

You look up before stepping a bit further back. Two people crash through the glass roof, crimson liquid and glass splashed everywhere.

 

That’s… That’s a bit morbid.

 

Still then, you walked away until you found an unlocked door.

 

Another reading log.

 

_ Further to our previous conversation, I ask that you delay bringing the Marker up from the planet for a day or two. You know I’m as keen as anyone to study it in detail, and I understand your sense of urgency given to the the events on the colony, but that is why I ask-- what’s happening down there is just too unique, too unprecedented, to cut it short without proper time to study the causes and effects. _

 

_ In light of a discussion I had with Dr. Mercer I’d like to meet with Drs. Sciarello and Welland planetside to get the observations. _

 

_ -Terrance _

 

Oh. You drop the log and started walking around. This place was legitimately on fire, and-

 

“What the fuck?!”

 

An infected (That’s what you’re calling them, now) woman snarled at you before crawling away like an animal. You quickly ran to the huge doors and left that room.

 

Already when you step into the plaza, someone cuts their neck open. The blood FUCKING SMELLS. But no matter. You walk over the corpse. 

 

“Jesus… The whole colony’s gone to hell…”

 

It did indeed look like hell. You’ve been there once. There was fire everywhere, people killing each other and themselves. You walk through all of this, acting like everything was normal.

 

And now you’re being attacked again, “Hell, this doesn’t stop!”

 

You shoot them down before running to P-Sec Headquarters. You look back. Never a good idea.

 

“McNeill! Over here!” Matt yells as he exits the Headquarter doors. Jon isn’t looking any better as he did when he left you.

 

“Am I glad to see you. Was it like this when you got here?”

 

“Worse, we had to fight our way through!”

 

“... Sounds like your rookie is losing it.”

 

“Yeah, I reckon whatever’s gotten to everyone else down here is getting to him, too.”

 

“Shouldn’t you take his firearm?”

 

Matt smirks, “Pff. If he cracks, I’ll deal with it. The day I can’t put down a rookie, is the day I hang up my boots-”

 

Jon runs up, jumps, and sucker punches Matt. He tries to do the same to you, but with shaky hands, you shot him down until he stopped moving. 

 

“Thanks for the help, Weller. Your rookie lost his mind and tried to kill me.”

 

Matt growled, “He sucker punched me! In the face! I hope my face is okay!”

 

“Are you fucking serious right now?”

 

“FUCK- Where did these guys come from?” More infected.

 

You look at the Headquarters, “To hell with this, let just get inside and barricade ourselves in!”

 

Matt gives you finger guns and a wink, “Good idea.”


	5. Chapter 5

“They won’t be able to get through that.”

 

“Let’s head to your office so I can call the Ishimura. Let’s see if the chief is still alive while we’re at it.”

 

Matt shoves you first into the elevator.

 

There’s a call.

 

“AAA- Oh this thing is on. U-Uh… This is Jones! Open call for all P-Sec officers! Listen up! Body shots don’t put these things down! Aim for the limbs, take out the joints to immobilize them!”

 

“Things? What’s he talking about?”

 

“There might be something else here with us…”

 

“That, or he’s gotten mad like everyone else!” Matt slides his hands up on the elevator pad. While you wait with him, you can hear… faint whispering. You try your best to ignore them.

 

It stopped, and the elevator doors open.

 

…

 

..

 

“Weller! Watch out!”

 

It’s… What the hell is that thing. This thing is freakishly tall, pink flesh, wet with blood, it had a head that looked somewhat human, it’s arms were thin and long, replaced hands with blades.

 

The first this you do? Scream like a girl. The thing stopped, Matt looked at you. The thing made some kind of noise, like some kind of laughter, while Matt just laughed. As much as that was funny, you shot the thing’s limbs off.

 

“... Jesus.”

 

“So, aliens do exist.”

 

“And they’re trying to kill us. Isn’t life dandy?”

 

You leave to the nearest door. It’s to your office. Finally!

 

Oh wait… Someone just died. Again. By an alien. You see death at every corner, don’t you? 

 

Suddenly, alien!

 

Matt decided to shoot this one down.

 

You run down the stairs to your office, but something stops you.

 

Somebody else is in here. You slowly walk to him, he’s in a fetal position, hiding his face in his legs when you got too close.

 

“Thanks for the help,” Matt muttered, pistol still in his grasp, “Who the hell are you?!”

 

You pat Matt’s back, “Easy Weller, he’s not P-Sec,” You kneel down close to this new guy, “I’m McNeill, what’s your name?”

 

The brunette looks at you, slowly breaking his position, “E-Edd… Edd Murdoch.”

 

“Well, Edd. You’re a lucky boy.”

 

“L-Lucky?!” Edd got up, “My boyfriend was killed last week… My dad has gone missing, and now this?!”

 

You get up as well, Matt takes a closer look at Edd.

 

Wait…

 

“I recognize you,” You shove Matt away, almost making him lose balance, “You’re Ringo Caldwell’s emergency contact.”

 

Edd looked down, crossing his arms, “Ringo was my boyfriend.”

 

“Listen, I’m sorry for what happened. What are you doing here?”

 

“My dad is missing. He vanished at the same time when everyone gone crazy and killed themselves. I came to see if there was any news, but those alien things came in and started killing everyone!” He stiffened, looking you straight in the eye, “What’s happening?”

 

“It’s unclear to me, but it’s not good for anyone.”

 

“Ishimura,” Matt yelled into the computer, “Come in, Ishimura! The colony is under attack by unknown hostiles, come o- FUCK ME!”


	6. Chapter 6

“Let’s go.”

 

Edd ran up to you, “But, what about me?”

 

Matt pushed you aside, “Go home, lock yourself up, and sit tight.”

 

“Home?! Are you crazy?! I’ve lost everyone!”

 

“Sorry dude, but you can’t come with us.”

 

As much as you love your friend, he’s being an ass right now.

 

“You know, P-Sec is pretty decimated. We can’t handle another missing person’s case.”

 

“What are you talking about?”

 

“Which is why you should come with us. Right Weller?”

 

Matt looked pissed as hell, but relaxed quickly.

 

“He’s YOUR responsibility.”

 

Edd’s fearful expression lit up, he hugs you, and thanks you over and over again. You pat his head.

 

“Alright that’s enough. Let’s go.”

 

* * *

 

“Are you from the ship too?”

 

“No, I’m P-Sec Detective, Thomas McNeill.”

 

“Ah. Is it okay if I call you Tom?”

 

“Yeah, people tend to do it anyway.”

 

Another FUCKING elevator.

 

Matt does his hand sliding again, looking at his reflection on the metal doors when done.

 

“Oh back here again.”

 

“Yeah, it’s the only way to the plaza, silly fuck.”

 

You open the doors.

 

Dear god.

 

“Holy shit,” You mumble, “No way they did this to each other. They probably thought they’d be safer inside P-Sec. And we kept them out…”

 

“They were trying to kill us,” Matt said, “Remember that.”

 

It’s quiet all the sudden.

 

You walk to the other side of the plaza. You turn around (Again? You fucking idiot.) to be met with a disgusting sight.

 

“What the hell is it doing?”

 

One of those things (This one is small, and it can fly! WHOA!) was doing… You don’t know what to one of the corpses.The longer you stare at it… The more it started to make some sense.

 

The thing basically just turned a human corpse into the big things with blade hands.

 

“Shit.”

 

Still, you have to shoot it down.

 

“Oh my god… Those aren’t aliens… Those are people…”

 

“‘Were’ people.” Matt rephrased.

 

…

 

You found a barricade.

 

They try to open it up so they can slide in, while you hold off the Things. You also picked a new name to call them.

 

“I see through, let’s go!”

 

“Tom! Come on!”

 

The two crawled in first, while you did last.

 

“Look out!” Edd screamed.

 

“Get out of there, the whole thing is gonna collapse!”

 

Matt and Edd grab you by the hands and pulled you out, the thing collapses just in time.

 

“Mission square should be right up ahead. Let’s keep moving.”

 

You walked.

 

…

 

“Baines! Hutchins! Give me a sitrep!”

 

Everything was a blur.

 

“In the shuttle and standing by, Sarge. It’s fucking chaos down here, though. Had to break a few noses to stop people pilling with us. Everyone’s looking for a way out.”

 

Edd gasped, “Look! There’s one taking off right now!”

 

Matt looked relieved, “There’s a sight for sore eyes.”

 

“Wait, something’s not right…” You paused as the space slowly started getting closer to the space station, “Shit, she’s gonna crash! Get down!”

 

Your predictions were correct. It crashed into the space station, making the whole thing shake. Metal, glass, and other things flew everywhere as dust blew.


	7. Chapter 7

“Oh no…” Edd mourned, helping Matt up, “Look at them! All those people… Dead! Every shuttle in the bay… Destroyed!”

 

Matt was completely frozen in shock before a rush of anger ran through his veins, “DAMMIT! Baines and Hutchins were in there! G-Goddamn this fucking place!!”

 

You walk away from them as Matt speaks, trying to think up a plan. God, you’re so fucking lost. You failed, what the hell are you going to-

 

“Wait!”

 

How the fuck did you not notice him under a big scrap of metal.

 

This new guy coughed loudly, getting up. The first thing that you noticed was his horn-like hair. Matt and Edd run over and get the scrap off of the guy.

 

“Lucky man. What’s your name?”

 

Edd helped the poor guy up.

 

“Tord,” He coughed, “Tord Eckhardt. Executive Director of Colonial Mining Operations.”

 

He had a thick accent. He wore a special lab coat, RIG tracker, and a small white patch on his face.

 

“Quite a mouthful. You’re lucky to even be alive, after that.”

 

Tord groaned, “T-The shuttles…”

 

“They’re all gone,” You say, “We’re stuck here.”

 

Tord paused, putting his hand to his chest. “Not necessarily. There’s a surveying shuttle around Maintenance Bay. If I can just go there, I’ll know which sector to look in.”

 

“You sure?”

 

“Yeah! Hitched a ride on one yesterday from the Ishimura!”

 

“You’re from the ship?! What are you doing here?” Matt screamed. You pat his face, trying to calm him down.

 

Tord looked down shyly, “CEC Business.”

 

“Who cares,” Edd interrupted, “Let’s find the shuttle and go!”

 

“Those things are across the colony! Are you sure you’re ready to fight through them?”

 

“I know a shortcut,” You chirped, “We go through the megavents.”

 

“How do we get into one?” Tord asked, eyes sparkling with stars.

 

You hold your pistol majestically, and pointed, “To the Equipment Lift!”


	8. Chapter 8

You clear the debris from the lift. It attracts more of those things, one gets close, using it’s blade hands to slash at you. It knocked the pistol out of your hand.

 

“Ugh, I’ll do it!”

 

Matt took out his pistol… Wait what the fuck… He was stashing two…

 

Was that second gun in his ass?

 

The tall ginger twirled the pistol around his finger and shot multiple bullets at them. 

 

Tord watches, completely in awe. 

 

…

 

The lift went an inch down, then stopped.

 

“What the hell? Why did it stop?”

 

Edd stomps on it, “The powers down, there must be a broken connection.”

 

Shit. Well, luckily you know how to fix it.

 

And you do. It’s a dangerous thing to do, one slip up and you burn yourself. Matt holds off the things while you worked. He kicks your pistol back at your feet.

 

A slash and burn later, the lift finally goes down.

 

Matt looks at his reflection, admiring the fact that his face is still perfect. The lift is a bit slow, so you try to start up a conversation.

 

“So, how was Ringo like?” You ask, picking your pistol up.

 

“Ringo was… He was the greatest man I’ve met. When he goes on break, he’ll bring cans of cola to drink with me! He has the cutest green eyes, a light black color in his hair… Oh he was the love of my life! We’d go on adventures, he’d carry me and call me his ‘Cola Cutie’-”

 

“Edd’s gay?” Matt asked.

 

You snapped, “At least he’s certain about his sexuality, unlike a little someone who spends his time looking like a Ken doll.”

 

“Oooh…”

 

“Hey! Hey!” Edd said, “Let’s not start fighting. And for the record, I’m bi.”

 

Matt still looked pissed. Mostly at you, but you don’t care.

 

You’ve finally reached your destination. Pistol out just in case.

 

“Hold it right there!” Matt screamed, pointing his gun at the crawling man.

 

“Don’t shoot! I’m on your side! I’m just hiding from those… Things!”

 

Tord stepped up, “Not for long, they’re getting close!”

 

“What?! Then keep it down, they’ll hear us…!”

 

“They’re already he-”

 

Tord and Edd screamed as necromorphs (That’s what you’ll call those things) started crawling out of a hatch.

 

“Oh,” You mumble, pointing your pistol, “Great.”

 

There were many of them, some actually crawled onto you, forcing you to kick them off. Matt just hits some with scraps of metal.


	9. Chapter 9

You help Matt block the hatch.

 

“That should hold them off,” You smiled, relieved, “We need to go to the sectors, Tord here says he might know which one we need to find.”

 

“Seriously? Right this way, follow me please. Name’s Patryck.”

 

He sprints off, you and your group runs after him.

 

Edd’s eye twitches, “Please tell me those are bats I hear…” 

 

“Can’t be,” Tord responded, “There’s no ecosystem on this planet.”

 

Patryck leads the group into a megavent filled with lines of… Flesh?

 

There’s a log on the ground. You pick it up.

 

**The unidentified growth seen in other parts of the colony has reached the Megavents. I don’t know what the hell this stuff is--looks like someone threw up their guts all over the walls-- but it’s spreading faster than we can cut up, which is pretty disgusting itself.**

 

**It’s already in the ventilation spoke. And if we can’t find a way to stop it soon, it’ll hit the filtration chamber by the day after tomorrow. I hope the boffins are looking into it, because it’s way beyond me.**

**-Ucard**

 

“What is that stuff,” Tord asked, pinching his nose, “Smells like vomit- How long has it been like this?”

 

“We found a little last week. Didn’t think much of it. Today? This.”

 

You cut through the stuff.

 

“Sarge, this is Baines. Are you there?”

 

Matt almost dropped his talkie. 

 

“Eduardo? Jesus, I thought we lost you!”

 

“If we haven’t been inside the shuttle, we would’ve been toast! It’s wrecked, though. We won’t be flying anywhere in it. Where are you? Is Jon there?”

 

Matt looked at you before responding, “Jon’s dead. He gone crazy.”

 

“O-Oh. Understandable…”

 

“We’re in a megavent heading to the sectors. There’s a shuttle there we can use. But… We sealed off the entrance here. Can you find another route?”

 

“We’ll work on it. See you, Sarge.”

 

You cut through more of the gross substance and finally made it out.

 

Corpses everywhere. GREAT.

 

“The heck happened here?” Tord poked one of the corpses with his foot.

 

“Guess you can say it’s a… Corpse party.”

 

“Weak.” Patryck mumbles.

 

Edd reads a log he finds on the ground.

 

“Do you guys think the Marker is the cause of all of this?”

 

“Bullshit!”

 

“It can’t be a coincidence, the miners went crazy after the Marker was extracted. Then, everyone else in the colony did as well!”

 

Tord looks up, “If it’s so, why aren’t we going crazy, too?”

 

“Right,” Edd says, looking super excited, “None of us has been affected!”

 

“I guess… Unless I’m crazy and you’re all figments of my imagination.” Matt hissed sarcastically.

 

“You don’t have much of an imagination, Weller.”

 

Patryck coughs, “Can we hurry up and find the shuttle? You all can play spin the bottle when we’re in orbit.”

 

“Right, let’s get going.”

 

The necromorphs shot right up, catching you off guard.

 

“HOLYFUCKINGSHIT-”


	10. Chapter 10

The bridge to the other side was badly damaged, but not uncrossable.

 

“How are we going to get there?” Tord asks, shaking a bit.

 

You pat him on the shoulder, “Carefully.”

 

There’s a loud sound of wheels.

 

Patryck looks down, “What was that?” 

 

“It’s a freight tram, for moving the equipment. Thomas, I saw those flying creatures down there. Get moving.”

 

And you do. A few nercomorphs crawl up slowly, surprising you. Everntually, you almost fall off the bridge. Tord and Matt grab you just in time.

 

“Careful, we don’t want any more creatures.”

 

Over the bridge. “Edd, you okay? You’ve been quiet ever since you found that log.”

 

“I’m fine. I’m just… Thinking about my dad. He worked in the vents.”

 

“Too early for past tense. Who knows, he might be in the shuttles that already left! We can look for him, once we get into the ship.”

 

Tord looks down, his worried expression looked sad, “Everyone’s looking for someone.”

 

“What was that?” Matt growled.

 

“Nothing,” Tord shakes his head, giving a big smile, “Just me rambling about nothing.”

 

You pick up ammo from the small storage boxes that wasn’t too badly destroyed. Then, turned around. You have an option to go on path left or right.

 

Left. The one with the gross flesh things on the walls. That’s fine. You’ll just cut through them.

 

“Stay here. Imma check this out.”

 

Slicing through the gross stuff, you stumble onto a locked door. You go off to hack it, burning yourself in the process.

 

All of this, for AMMO?

 

Okay. You’re chill with that.

 

Another log, you skim through it. Something about cults, a bit of candy, and “EY HEAD” in all caps.

 

You run back, waddling a bit.

 

“What did you find?” Patryck asked.

 

“Nothing, let’s just leave.”

 

And now, you go down.

 

“Officer Hutchins to Sargent Weller-”

 

“I’m still alive, what do you have?”

 

“There’s meat growing on the walls.”

 

“Yeah, we have them down here.”

 

“Ah. Well, nothing happened yet… Got the feeling of being watched, though.”

 

“Hope it stays that way. Matt out.” He turns off his talkie.

 

More meat cutting. So gross, the slime gets everywhere.

 

Nercomorphs. More of them. You try to aim a bit better, and shoot their heads off.

 

Not bad.

 

You find a pulse rifle on the ground.

 

“Who wants it?”

 

Tord raises his hand. You toss it to him.

 

“Don’t waste ammo.”

 

……

 

“The trams don’t sound norm-”

 

“AAAAAAAAAA! HELP ME!!

 

Fuck. There’s this weird tentacle like thing coming through a hole. You shoot it, and so does Tord, but his aim is horrible. 

 

The tentacle thing lets Edd go, Patryck runs over and helps him up. The tentacle grabbed him, while Edd was still holding his hand.

 

This looks like something out of Japanese porn. Don’t ask how he knows that.

 

Still then, you shot the gross tentacle. Patryck lets Edd go, waving a middle finger before disappearing.

 

Aaaaand he’s gone.

 

“Jesus, thanks for the h-”

 

“Don’t even start.”

 

Tord helps Edd up. “Will you two stop arguing?! For god’s sake, we don’t have time for this stuff!”

 

“Edd’s right. There’s no point in fighting those things if we’re fighting among each other!”

 

“I’m real sick of your shit, Turd.”

 

The poor guy looks offended for a second, but then shakes his head.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Minor TomTord at the end.

Tord gives his pulse rifle to Edd.

 

Everything's a blur at this point.

 

“Baines in!” Matt’s talkie was on.

 

“What is it?”

 

“We’re pretty close to the Maintenance Bay, but shit’s getting serious. There’s a gang of these creatures up ahead, and there’s no way around them. We’ll have to go through them.”

 

“Alright, be safe. I want you two ALIVE and BREATHING by the time I get there.”

 

“No worries. Baines out!”

 

…

 

“Well that settles it,” Matt says, “How do we get into the vents?”

 

Edd walks a bit, “There’s an access panel over there, but I don’t think I have enough clearance to unlock it.”

 

“Fuck clearance, I’ll do it.” You walk over to it, ready to get burned again.

 

You lead the group, Tord finds a Flame Thrower on the ground.

 

“… Can I keep it?”

 

“Sure you can.”

 

Tord looks like the happiest person on this broken planet. He attaches the Flame Thrower around his waist, the ammo reload and a long, tube with a fire handle on the tip. “Thankyou! Thankyou! Thankyou! Thanky-”

 

“Just get some ammo.”

 

He obeys, kicking the ammo containers open. He gives some to you, since it’s fit for your pistol, some to Edd and Matt, and left the rest for himself.

 

You hack through the panel.

 

“Hurry!”

 

The door opens, everyone gets inside and crawls into the vents. It’s dark, but you try your best to lead everyone. 

 

More flesh blockers. These were harder to cut.

 

“They’re right on our ass! Get a move on, McNeill!”

 

Left or right? LEFT.

 

You crawl, more of those necromorphs charge at you. Some from afar. You knew this day would come.

 

“What are you doing, McN-”

 

You threw your explosive bottles of Smirnoff.

 

“WHAT THE FUCK-”

 

“That’s useful.”

 

“FUCKING CRAWWWWWLL!!!”

 

Tord found something to update his Flame Thrower. Nice.

 

You slide down something…

 

You put your worm away…

 

“We’ve made it!”

 

“Which shuttle is it?”

 

Tord paused… Then snapped his fingers, “B! It’s B!”

 

“Let’s go, I want to get some sleep.”

 

“There’s the shuttle!” Tord announced.

 

“Thank GOD, we’re saved.” Edd sighed.

 

Matt just gives a shit eating grin and signals them the stop, “Not so fast. Stay back, it’s been awfully quiet.” Matt takes his talkie out and turns it on, “Baines! We’re right behind you.”

 

It’s still dark, but you see Eduardo out there, covered in the blood of the monsters. He looks around, and finally sees you.

 

“Good to see you again.” He says.

 

“The shuttle is locked.” Mark says in a monotoned voice, “We can’t get in.”

 

“My access code can open it,” Tord whispered, “Let’s run for it.”

 

And everyone did, Then fucking tentacle comes out of nowhere. 

 

“Motherfucker!”

 

“Eckhardt, come with me!” You ordered, grabbing his arm and pulling him away.

 

More necrom-

 

“You know, this goes well with my giant flame thrower,” He points his weapon, and pulls the trigger, a stream of flames flared out as Tord burned his enemies, cackling like a madman.

 

You’ve never been so turned on in your entire life.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Damn Daniel, back again with those white vans.

“I-It’s not working! They must’ve changed it!” Tord growls angrily.

 

“Shit! Stand back, I’ll hack it.”

 

And you do, while Tord burns off the necromorphs, stepping in their ashes while he’s at it.

 

“There! Everyone in!”

 

Tentacle-

 

Tord falls over.

 

“Eckhardt!” Edd yelled, helping him up, “Come on!”

 

Matt tries to hold it off, you pull him inside and finish it off yourself, pulling out your bottles of “Bomb Smirnoff” and throwing them.

 

It flops down.

 

You run inside, “Okay, so that’s that.”

 

“Eckhardt, get up here and second me. I can fly, but I don’t know survey craft.”

 

Edd walked to you, “T-Thank you, Tom. We wouldn't have gone this far without you.”

 

“Don’t mention it.”

 

TENTACLE-

 

“Close that goddamn door!” Matt ordered.

 

-Slam!-

 

“Run bitch, RUNNNN!”

 

There’s a loud screech.

 

Flying.

 

“Faster! It’s coming!”

 

You peek out the window, seeing the disgusting monster outside.

 

“Ugh.”

 

“IT’S JUST LIKE MY HENTAI! ONLY WORSE-”

 

The shuttle flies away, escaped away from the monster.

 

Edd hugs you, relieved. You pat his head.

 

He finds a resting area, and settles down. You let him snuggle along with you. He purrs and falls asleep in your arms.

 

Finally, you can rest.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me: Well, I guess I'll end this series now!
> 
> *Sees that Daddy_Issues_Anon had bookmarked this*
> 
> Me: Welp, nevermind.

“Hhhhey, guess who’s drunk and craving some Pringles?”

 

“Thomas. That’s enough. I can’t fly this aircraft with your drunk ass bugging me.” 

 

“Shaddup, you like it.”

 

“Aye,” Matt guides the ship with one hand, angrily munching on a cookie, “Classic Tom.”

 

“Classic, STUPID, Tom,” Tord corrected.

 

You grunt as you shuffle away into the food block, getting yourself a can of Pringles. 

 

“Ishimura,” Tord calls out, “This is the survey shuttle Vestri. Come in, Ishimura?”

 

…

 

Tord sighs.

 

Matt pats Tord’s shoulder, “Forget it. Hang onto something,” He drops the cookie, “We’re heading into the debris field.” 

 

The ship shakes. Way too fucking hard. It woke up Edd, he walks out and almost slipped onto the floor.

 

“Be careful, this shuttle is worth a fortune!” Tord hissed.

 

“Not if we crash! McNeill, make yourself useful by manning the cannons-- wait a second, you’re drunk.”

 

“Fuhck you, I can shoot!” You complained, absconding to the plush seat. You’re too intoxicated pay attention while it works, so you flinched a little when you realize you’re in control of the cannon. It… smells kinda old in here.

 

You cough, “Has this thing ever been used?”

 

“Can’t say I’ve had much call to, actually. Now stop yapping, and start shooting!” 

 

You completely screwed yourself, your aim was too off. You missed so much debris.

 

“I think I’ve fucked up telling Tom about the cannons.”

 

“You have, you dense-- FAEN!”

 

“Wait a sec, the Ishimura! We’re close!”

 

_ “USG ISHIMURA TO ALL SHUTTLES. YOU’RE VIOLATING THE ‘NO-FLIGHT’ ORDER. RETURN TO THE PLANETSIDE, AT THIS MOMENT.” _

 

“Eh-fucking-scuse me? I am Tord Eckhardt, Executive Director of Colonial Mining Operations-”

 

_ “I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. NOW I REPEAT, CLEARANCE TO LAND IS DENIED. ANY APPROACH WILL BE CONSIDERED HOSTILE.” _

 

“Hostile,” You slurred, “Is he insane?”

 

You hear a loud thump.

 

“What the hell, Matt?!”

 

“Fuck this, let’s go in.”

 

“That’s not a good idea…”

 

“I didn’t ASK YOU, Eckbarf.”

 

“Wait-” Edd whimpered, “Matt- Stop-!”

 

Everything went white.


End file.
